Prompt: How do you feel about the dark?
Never, will I wish on anyone what I experience with sleep paralysis. Never, will I wish the total incapacitation of all your senses, left with only your mind. Which means nothing since you can't scream. They, yes they, have been on top of me, in my bed, and in the corners of the room at all times of the night. Meanwhile, I lay there in total terror, terrified and transfixed. If you have experienced this than you know who I am talking about, unfortunately. It has been quite some time since this has happened to me but I had a brief experience just two nights before our Blood Moon. Which has me confronting why this is happening to me. Nightmares are nothing new to me, I have been experiencing them prolifically since I can remember. There was those years I wouldn't stop dreaming about the apocalypse my senior year of high school and freshman year of college. I still won't watch things zombies out of some simple ptsd. Images from my childhood dreams I still haven't forgotten; that snake infiltrating the yard, that man finding me on the street, the black smoke overcoming the house... not all at once, but you get the idea the list just goes on. I have mentioned previously that I keep a sort of lock on my intuition. A habit I have been in since I was a child, a habit I want to break. However, that comes with it’s own set lot confrontations. Confronting my insecurities, confronting my reasons, and confronting these things- these shadow people that have come to me as an adult. Why now? Well, I can only think that I have let things sit for too long, and once they learned I could hear them.... oh man. I won't keep doing this though, I have been encouraged by other practitioners for years to hone in on my “gifts”, so to say, and not let it weigh on me. We call them the “shadow people” to keep it simple, I mean, that is what they look like. As entities that belong to no one, they feed on you. You get what you put out, and sometimes we haunt ourselves. I am not afraid of the dark, not anymore. Petrified as a child I slept with a light on up until a couple years ago. I guess after a creature sitting on your chest in the middle of the night teaches you what to be afraid of anymore. No surrender here though, I have people now to help me over come this. All this that I hope make sense to you, it’s barely 9:15 and I am barely awake right now. With hardly any sleep last night, not because of a nightmare, this due to staying up to watch the eclipse. As I stood there, my witchy group chat buzzing with magical delight over such as event, on an impossibly freezing night I realized something. Hundreds and hundreds of years ago this very thing, a wonderful feat of nature, would have scared humanity alike. An eclipse creating every phase of the moon cycle in one night, creating darkness and creating a blood red hue would have been inexplainable and terrifying. I look into the night, into the darkness now with that same energy only now I know, I have nothing to fear.
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Prompt: What is beginning right now?
Oh man, this is going to be a tough one. Right now, Heart of the Matter by Don Henley just finished playing over our Alexa in the living room. My mother is in the next room painting my bathroom while I sit at my desk, attempting to process the news that my great aunt’s cancer treatment is beginning soon. Henley was right, I did get a call today which I didn't want to hear. I suppose I am not feeling unlike anyone else in these situations; shocked, hurt, and yet, unvexed. Not to sound apathetic or unconcerned, I am in a state of mind composed of many many layers. I am shocked because to some degree since her diagnosis I have forgotten about it. Due to me being preoccupied with my life and the changes I am going through. Selfish, I know, my aunt lives out of state so the problems so to say have been out of mind for the moment. Not anymore, my illusions lifting like the fog that only occurred just this morning. I am hurt, not for me but for a women who has dedicated her life to god only for her own genetics to turn on her. It’s not gods fault, its not the universe’s fault, its not a sin for anyone to become sick but damn, a nun with cancer? Is that really necessary? Again, I suppose nothing going on here is unique. Parents have questioned the necessity of their children having cancer, children have questioned why their parents have cancer. They may be questioning themselves only to never receive answers. Just recently neighbors of my friends lost their son to cancer, he was eight. So I know at the end of the day that I am not alone in my feelings, I am not unique, but I am heartbroken. Tonight, is the Super Wolf Blood Moon and I am preparing. A super moon, large and present in the night sky. The January full “wolf” moon happening in conjunction with a lunar eclipse that will paint such in a blood red color. It feels appropriate that so much is happening in one night, considering all that is happening around me. I won't say to me, because I myself am cancer free as well as fortunate enough to be mostly unaffected by the government shut down. I am not sure what I will my intentions for tonight, what I will ask for or what I may be fortunate enough to receive. My only certainty is this, my year will not end the way it is beginning, and that is okay. The wheel of the year is turning and I trust it to take me where I need to go. I trust it to take my loved ones where they need to go. Prompt: What is the world missing right now? I am a witch, how am I nearly out of matches and reduced to digging through the junk drawer for a pack that has been there for 11 YEARS. No, I swear, they are dated 2008 from a wedding my mother went to. I know, just ring the shame bell in my honor because it’s 11:30 at night, one of my favorite hours to sit at my altar, and I don't even own a lighter. How did I make it to 25 without owning a lighter? How did I buy my first bag of avocados this week? No answers my friends, I have no answers for you since I am clearly massively unprepared to be a millennial witch. Yesterday, technically today since I started writing this the night before but I am finishing it tomorrow, I woke up to a stunning news story about a marine biologist’s encounter with a Great White Shark. This women, Ocean Ramsey yes ‘Ocean’ I am so jealous,while studying Tiger Sharks off the coast of Oahu, Hawaii came across large female Great White. Possibly, the famed “Deep Blue” but I digress. Ocean’s gentleness and understanding was an incredible sight to see as she swam next to, and interacted with, her counterpart. In an unsurprising feat nothing dangerous happened, yes, you read correctly unsurprising. You see, maybe 10 people a year will die from a shark attack but we as a species will kill as many as 100 million sharks annually. This also reminded me of a news story I saw a few weeks ago. Another women, this time off the coast of New Zealand, was joined by an Orca family while swimming. I will also add, said women was joined peacefully by an Orca family. Why am I discussing marine life? Well, its not just because my friends call me ‘fish’, that I am a vegetarian, or a political person. You won't find me lecturing you in the middle of our Uber pool just because I heard you mention you were having dinner at a steak house that night. This is not what we are doing here, not now, not ever. We have decided that this planet consists of killer sharks, killer whales, and yet we do not bare the title killer humans. Why? As we sit, elephants are evolving to born without tusks due to poaching. If you hang out with me, you have probably heard me say “vote with your dollar,” to support brands that support your ideals. This is the best decision you can make in-between elections because small choices matter and they do up like carrying reusable bags, reusable straws, and recycling every time. I believe all things, all beings, all creatures have life and energy. I believe it is time for us to hear it. This world is missing compassion, this world is missing empathy, this world is missing people who listen without the intent to respond but with the intent to make you feel heard. Below are links to news articles from which I gathered my information: www.nationalgeographic.com/animals/2018/11/wildlife-watch-news-tuskless-elephants-behavior-change/ www.mnn.com/earth-matters/animals/videos/video-wild-orcas-swimming-woman-new-zealand www.cnn.com/travel/article/great-white-shark-deep-blue-hawaii-scli-intl/index.html Prompt: Write a prayer asking for anything you need to know, embrace, and use your gifts for this year. There are a few things going into this year which I would like to do more of. Learning more about myself as well as my practice, accepting myself as a witch and listening more to my intuition. Right now, I am attempting to concentrate on this blog post. Yet, with fresh snow on the ground, a job I need to leave for in an hour and gorgeous scenery out the back window I can’t seem to really focus on it. I am determined nonetheless, fortunately this prompt brings me clarity as I set my intentions and thoughts towards the future. As I meditated, something I vow to take more time to do this year, I had trouble setting a clear intention. What am I looking for and what do I need? I wasn’t sure, learning that my time now needs to be spent figuring that out. Not surprisingly, I am keeping a journal of my meditations, maybe something I will enjoy looking back through when I am an old crone*. Maybe I will laugh at myself for my unsureness, maybe I will look back and wish I was less hard on myself. So, as I tell myself with these blogs, take an hour without a phone, without social media and without anything that keeps you from this present moment. Plus, when you mediate in a bath it’s preferred not to kill your phone, or electrocute yourself, I assume. Whichever comes first. I could spend less time on my phone, for damn sure. One of my resolutions is to convince myself that 45 mins on my phone in the morning before leaving bed is remarkably unnecessary. It’s the 18th of January and I am down to 30 mins. What can I say, Instagram needs me. I suppose complaining about sensory overload, not being able to turn my brain off or an overall feeling of being bothered all the time doesn't help if the phone never goes down. So I have enlisted in the help of other practitioners, through a Facebook group I belong to (I love being a millennial), asking others how they incorporate witchcraft into their daily routines. Never will I complain anymore that I don’t have time for my practice if I am giving 45 mins of it daily to social media. My first step? Well, it’s now after 8pm, my goal is to update by 9pm for this series and I still need to prepare my bathroom for a fresh coat of paint tomorrow, hashtag adulting. So I will give myself to the late hours of the evening to celebrate my great grandfathers birthday, he's 99 today. I will light his candle on my altar, I will give thanks to my ancestors and I will seek guidance from them during my year of change. I will put my phone down. Let me understand, allow me to know where I am supposed to go. Grant me your wisdom Grant me your sight, so what should surely comes to light. Crone: Referring to the representation of womanhood through the stages of maiden, mother, and crone. Commonly referred to through pagan and magical study, the crone is the archetypal figure of an old, wise and magical women. I should be so lucky one day.
Prompt: What happened today at 10 am?
A short and sweet piece for your thursday. This prompt is hilarious, oddly specific, and right on time. Let me set the scene for you, it’s 10:10 am, my second cup of coffee is sitting neatly in front of me and I Just finished the first step in cleaning a deer’s jaw bone. To be crafted in a necklace, probably, an idea I got from Pinterest while I wear my apron for the first time this year. Domestic right? Wife me up! No seriously, I already told Jon I am making us a decorative pentagram made from wooden spoons for our future kitchen. When the Beastie Boys sang She’s Crafty I am not sure I am what they had in mind, but I sure like it. Finding ways to incorporate witchcraft into my daily routine is fun since I have come into the company of more Witches this last year. It has been wonderful to have a community of all of us together, since it is not a common occurrence. Spending saturday nights in a labyrinth, celebrating nature, ending the evening with divination and whisky is the life style I have been in search of. Have you ever heard a song, seen an artist, or came across a new idea and thought this is what I have been missing, this is what my life needed. That how I feel about my life right now, that the pieces I have been missing are finding me, maybe it wasn't supposed to be two pieces of a deers jaw but here we are. My life is changing, change is a word in the past I would loathe to use. It felt harsh, hurtful and implied a sort of hatefulness I wouldn’t admit I felt about myself. Say, “evolve,” I would instruct it felt more natural, and less fearful of what comes next. I am not scared anymore though, I crave change now. Let life take me for a ride, let me be surprised, let me embrace the unknown for my comfort zone is beautiful but nothing ever grows here. Allow me to be the person uncertainty tainted my faith in, allow me to wither in the winter to become born again in the spring, allow me know nothing is an accident. Above all else, that I would rather be scared and jump, than wonder anymore Prompt: Something you would like to do more.
Self care means drinking my La Croix sparking coconut water through a metal reusable straw while I listen to a Practical Magic inspired Spotify playlist, right? Right, glad we’re on the same page. The writers block is lifting today, I’m not saying sparking water is the cure but as your friendly neighborhood millennial I’m not saying it didn’t. The writing continues, ironically, as I reflect that I must have owned 40 journals throughout my childhood that went unused. The thought being that I could be this organized little girl. With pretty handwriting, a pretty diary and just books of thoughts to reflect on. Just like the girls I saw on TV, but that never ever ended up happening. I suppose I am making up for in my twenties, full circle. Recently, I had 10 days paid time off from work to do nothing but refocus on what I wanted to do with my life. In a previous entry I mentioned during the college years too often I allowed myself to get get off course of my goals, so this time was cherished. Honestly, I want to keep doing more of that. No, not the time off from work part, as nice as it was to have a vacation where I didn't have to plan anything, the part where I asked myself what were the things I wanted. I’m a workaholic in some ways, I started working at a summer camp when I was 13 and every summer until I was 19. I learned that way I was better at working than I was at school, so when I worked and went to college it seemed perfect. Until I wanted to be at work more than school. You see the pattern forming. It runs through my mind daily, “What does my job need from me?” “What does my team need from me?” and “What do my clients need from me?” What I need to incorporate more is what do I need from me into my daily routines and rituals. Self care is a top one, something I can speak to but rarely in practice. Just the other day, I was getting coffee with a fellow photographer and friend, Liz, same one from my series ‘Liz in Summer/Winter’ find them under the ‘albums’ tab. I suggested that she makes a 30/60/90 day plans so she develop her focuses for this year, which was surprising to hear come out of my mouth since I have never in my life done that. So, it was the first thing I did when I got home that afternoon. Well, the first thing I did after sorting out the photo shoot material, you get the idea. A lot is learned when you can see your dreams on paper. Such as that I am really trying to create my own brand, which is strange to think when you’re used to working for corporations. Even learning that you have friend whose work revolves around marketing and supporting small businesses, who freaking knew? Realizations and steps I never would have taken had I never wrote my focuses down and asked myself what I want to accomplish for myself. Right now the plan is on a 3 month timeline, nothing longer than 6 months. I honestly can't think that far in advance in terms of myself, my career, or the house I may have by then. I guess I need more goals. Prompt: What are your spiritual gifts and do they feel accurate?
Well right now my gifts are telling me I am having writers block, and wouldn't you know... they're right. So I am sitting here, its 6:30 at night, I am pretty convinced this piece isn't going up until tomorrow morning at this point and I am having sensory overload* which is why I’ve been telling myself all day not to take it out on my mom. Sometimes the best cleansing, calming and centering technique is to just run it out in the gym. It is noted too how sarcastic this piece is sounding so far, but please keep reading I illustrated in a previous post from this series about my empathic sense and my childhood. I promise we are not digging that deep or dark tonight, some of us have work tomorrow. That still continues today, with healing and time I have learned to balance others as well as myself. It’s not perfect, I work in customer service so I encounter many, many people and become off kilter on some days. My silver lining is that I have learned to identify my own feelings, how they intermingle with others and how to disconnect from others. That latter part is still a work in progress.. I’m a witch, not perfect. My feelings are often right, I just happen process a lot of them at the same time. So as far as the connecting with the dead goes, also previously mentioned again in another piece, keep up! Well... I haven't been, but not for any unfortunate reasons so don't you worry about me. After my last breakthrough in this area, nearly two years ago I took a huge step back in trepidation. It is to date the most accurate I have ever been about nearly anything so trust me, you'd be nervous too if you received two messages from people passed on and one about someone who hadn't died yet. On that note, I practice ancestral witchcraft*, a field I am growing in practice but have overall taken a step back in my communications. Samhain* was very good to me, you can find these details in Entry 12: I will never die of my other blog, and my intuition tells me its the right thing to do to step back and let my ancestors be, remembered but let them be. So where am I now? Well, I am taking time to listen to my intuition, to my friends intuition and to, more importantly, nature. She does not bloom all year, neither do I and we all have our seasons. Mine is certainly not winter, it never was. She’s not bright like spring, or sparkling water on a summer day at the lake. Winter will never be fall, where witches walk around blending in because we simply match what everyone considers a costume. Winter will never feel like birthday, right in the middle of October between all the spiritual charm and chaos of Halloween. She’s not the first of November, solemn and reflective as the wheel begins to turn*. Winter is none of these things, however I am not myself right now either. We will both bloom when we are ready for change, I am getting there. Sensory Overload: The event of all your senses becoming overwhelmed. I get this way when I don’t take time to be away from people and keep filtering in emotions, thoughts, etc. Ancestral Witchcraft: The central focus of my altar, rituals, and meditations is calling on my ancestors. A common practice amongst pagans simply at Samhain, some of us choose to maintain this year round. Samhain: Considered our most sacred day of the year, a time we believe the veil between us and our ancestors is thinnest. Turning of the Wheel: A phrase used to emphasize seasons, holidays and times moving forward like a wheel Prompt: Have you ever felt trapped or suffocated?
*Trigger Warning: Brief references of suicide to paint a picture of my mental health during the time which I am writing about. Read with caution. The first time that comes to mind is my life the year before I started dating Jon. For a multitude of reasons. Trapped is a good word for when you can feel your feet moving and you don't go anywhere. Trapped is an excellent word for being in a relationship, you know you shouldn't be in, that you just won't leave. Trapped, is a key word for going back to your home town. Which, you never liked not even a little bit and yet we assumed it was better than anything else you had going for you. Suffocated, is a good word for the hypothetical noose you tied around your neck assuming you had no other options. I am so serious now when I say write you dreams down, make them goals. Make a vision board, create a 5 step plan to get where you want go. I spent 2 years of my life thinking things would just fall into place for me, thats not how this works. I didn't understand how to plan things out academically and I was too ashamed to ask anyone. First rule, ask as many questions as you can. If you don't you are only hurting yourself. I was in a long distance relationship with a guy I knew since I was in middle school, and we had no business trying to make that happen. I felt trapped by my own cage. Even I have chapters from my story that I don't read out loud. Yet, its the things we don't like to think about, share or remember that lead us to everything we ever wanted. Such as me, telling people “yeah, we (Jon and I) met in high school,” or that 2019 marks 10 years that we have known each other, in June it will be 6 years of dating. Yet most people don’t know my last relationship was with someone that was in his graduating class. Someone who's name I never mention because I am too embarrassed to be associated with such a case. I knew better, sometimes I tell myself I didn't. That I was young and wanted to be loved. I knew better. The fog had begun lifting by the time Jon and I reconnected. It didn't solve any of problems, but casual dating someone who teaches you how to have fun again does help. Yeah, you read that correctly, we began dating casually with little to no interest in a serious relationship. I ignored for awhile that he would graduate in a year and leave Philly. A comfortable bubble grew around me as I dropped classes and began to loose focus of my direction, if I ever had one. I was happy, but only when I was with him. That is not fulfillment, I learned as the noose grew tighter. Witchcraft wasn't on my mind anymore, unfortunately. My craft became connected with my ex when I was still very young and finding my path. Which honestly takes time, but I spent so much of that time with other people when I should have been finding it on my own. I couldn't connect empathically for a time, a gift I always wanted to be rid of and when it was gone... I felt empty. I know spending time with my own emotions for a period was a gift that allowed me to really to refocus my life. A long, long period of rebalancing. Yeah, Jon graduated and I decided to move back home to Maryland to live wit my mom again. She was worried I was following a boy, I was following my instinct which took my in the direction of a boy but that is besides the point. I took time off from school, which I recommend everyone do at some point and worked jobs. Full time, part time, all of it. Jon and I continued to date and we did things in our own best interest. After a couple years of dating you begin to get the marriage questions, the moving out questions, the starting a life together questions. I never felt ready before this year because every year was about finding myself and not being angry anymore. I felt trapped in my own unfulfilled goals and dreams, I was suffocated by my demons and anxieties. Now, with time, forgiveness, and deep breathes... I am free. Prompt: Describe one recent dream that you’ve had.
Oh man, do I have a stories for you. Context, I have always been one for rather odd or scary dreams, have had them pretty prolifically my whole life. I still remember one of the first intense, less than a nightmare but more than a dream, ones I had a child. I could never forget it, I was maybe 5 give or take. It’s to forget being in your home, followed by a snake and your encompassed by a shadow figure. Moving on, when I was about 11 years old I had a dream about a red sports car for sale. Only to go to the grocery store that morning with my grandmother to find a red sports car for sale in the parking lot. I reacted, the way you may expect a child might, very shocked and nearly yelling “grandma, you won't believe it!” She did, in fact, believe it and proceeded to tell me my mom did those things to when she was my age. Casual right? For such a conservative family, both in lifestyle and politically, it sure felt like a moment out of Practical Magic. I would like to take this moment to add that I recently learned around Samhain last fall that my magical lineage comes through said Grandma, through a lineage comprised largely of women- is anyone surprised? Bueller? Now, I know that I am a witch but even I have to take my dreams less seriously at night if I ever want to sleep again. Once you spent 2 1/2 years dreaming, specifically, about the zombie apocalypse when every night is a different outcome. Yeah, you learn to pick your battles. That being said, I still remember the first time I dreamt of someone real, not a zombie, dying and me helping them cross over. Please take this moment to pause and take that in, I’ll wait. This happened a few more times, followed by a specific event I won't forget. The only way I can describe said event is that when I fall asleep, sometimes, I go to my spiritual happy place. It is different for everyone, said place for me is my grandparents house. Where I lived from birth to 12 years old, every summer until age 18 and for two years again when I was 19-20. These dreams are different for one key reason, usually our dreams are distorted. People have the same names with different faces, or just crazy nonsense. I suppose the dream really stood out because, believe me when I say, every single object and person was exactly as it should be. I remember in this dream I was sitting in an arm chair in the living room, the house looked exactly as it did at the time and there was a knock at the door. It was, in short, a prominent public figure who passed away maybe the year before, I didn't write dates down so I am a bit fuzzy on the time line of events, who asked to talk to me. I told them, I refuse to say who because no one will believe me, the usual “we miss you so much,” and all that. They hugged me, reassured me that the world will be ok and his loved ones will move on. I felt strange when I woke up, because I didn’t go anywhere. It was a time where I was still living with my grandparents during college and listen very carefully when I say all of that really happened. So why am I going through all of this? Well, I am glad you asked because last night for the first time in... a couple years, I believe. I fell asleep and went back to the same house. I don’t take incidences like this lightly because I don’t do this very often. So I know there is a reason behind it, I just need to figure it out. Let’s dive in. As per usual, I am in the living room of my childhood home, and I was pregnant at the end of my 3rd trimester. My grandmother and aunt were there with me, as well as for my delivery. I remember distinctly being told how smoothly it went, how good I did. We all remain together through all of this when I distinctly remember my grandmother handing my baby, a “ healthy baby girl.” Looking out the large window, holding her and just waiting to show her to Jon... oh man, it just felt so real. Waking up without her in my arms was startling, Thats an important detail because this is not my first pregnancy dream. Which I have taken in stride, long logical strides. Now, these type of dreams just mean you are coming into change or giving birth to a new idea. I spent a large part of my day yesterday drawing up home buying plans, and business plans for myself. I have had a handful of these dream happen to me over the years, I am sure I am not pregnant. Thats not what these are telling me. However, what has never happened before is people I have real relationships with be present. Once a few years ago I dreamt I was having my coworkers baby, but he and I had no romantic feelings for each other. We just spoke at work infrequently and I ate too much pizza before bed. Never in the times this has happened has Jon been mentioned, neither have my family members, and neither in my home or anywhere else that holds any significance for me. Is this dream prophetic, maybe. Is this dream a reality, no. Is this dream telling me I’ll have a daughter, I don't know. I only know that our dreams, our subconscious, serve as a tool for us to connect outside our conscious distortions*. When I sleep I filter in what I consciously shut out when I am awake. The messages carry a range of meanings and ideas that take time to figure out. But man, it was so real. Conscious Distortion: Not a term I can take any credit for. As a witch I believe we warp our awareness of reality to how we would like to perceive it. I, for example, have spent a great portion of my life pretending I am not intuitive. Hence my intuition speaking to me while I am asleep, I have connected outside my “conscious distortion,” of my reality. I receive and learn what is necessary for me, and my practice. Prompt: Describe where you are starting from in relation to your goals.
Well, to keep it short and sweet I have many lists plus maps drawn out. Just to start. No really, Jon and I went to the gym this morning, followed by sitting around his kitchen table with a map of the area we are moving to. Hugging cups of coffee while we welcomed in and out commentary from his parents. Understanding where the hospitals are, breweries which may have come up more than once, and where my closest target is. We all went around avidly discussing needs versus wants and our desire for a farm house kitchen table, that we plan to build ourselves but thats for another day. This is super boring, I know. Yet, this morning followed a night of discovering I have a friend in marketing, who happens to have tons of business advice and resources in regards to getting started... who knew? It seems too good to be true, it also seems like this is the time to become overwhelmed. My usual go to, right? Find the resources you've been waiting for, become overwhelmed, anxious and abandon everything. Not this time. I am writing down my goals, and creating timelines. Forcing myself to take my life into my hands. Reading, studying and applying the knowledge to create a good life for myself. As silly as it may sound, I don’t feel any of my usual anxieties. I just want the new chapter of my life so badly I can taste it and I can no longer allow myself to keep self sabotaging in the name of my demons. I simply cannot do it, not anymore. I am starting from the beginning; of the year, of the process, of... my goals. I am simply, starting. |
New Year,
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