Prompt: Describe a moment from today that you want to remember always.
With so much to say the last few days I suppose a shorter and sweeter piece is good to shake things up. That may also be because it’s not quite noon yet and my morning is only really getting started. At first, it seemed silly when I pulled up my January prompts and saw today’s was to write a “moment from today.” Considering my morning thus far consisted only of waking up, having coffee, shooting in the woods behind my house, followed by showering and watching the return of Brooklyn Nine-Nine. The only goal to be done with that half of my to do list before noon to avoid the high sun, country to popular belief strong sunlight is not a photographers friend. Maybe, my moment is waking up refreshed and happy following a night of catching up with friends. Yes, one of those friends is my high school photography teacher Miss. Hoponick. The other is my friend Nancy who went on the Paris trip our Junior year, and subsequently spent our senior year attached at the hip. My highlight is leading a toast to death of all things, we all go at some point and yeah, I may have toasted to the people I wish would go a little faster. I swear I am fun at parties. Maybe, my moment is scrolling this morning, over coffee and the Today Show, through the photos I finished editing yesterday. Wondering is Hop really showed them to her class this morning, which is surreal to think about. After speaking to said class last week I find myself wondering about those kids now, casually but thoughtfully. I am pleased with my work, I am learning to embrace moments and create opportunity. Maybe, my moment is texting Jon wondering if he has plans tonight and thinking “soon we will be living together, and I will be asking these questions when we wake up together in the morning.” A moment, I will say I don’t have an answer to yet. I might just have a sequel to this piece to remember what moments I want to save from tonight. My moment, is walking towards the woods this morning, thinking “I better get used to the cold if I wanna see all 9 state parks in Alaska,” followed by “When, when I see them.” The clock is 11:57, 3 minutes to noon ahead of my schedule and I want to remember right now. Creating fantasies, creating goals, imagining traveling with a team to capture all the beauty in this world. Maybe it will be me and Jon, together. Getting out gear and getting on the road. Maybe we have kids, maybe we leave them at home, or maybe they come with us. I am be dreaming, of a lot of possibility, of a lot of futures. Maybe I am wrong. Maybe, just maybe, I am right. About all of it.
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Prompt: Write a new year letter to your child(ren)
Disclaimer: There are some hard truths that you learn about yourself when you watch people read chapters from the book that is your life. Don’t get me wrong, the deep sense of gratitude I feel from sharing my stories with people makes up for the moments when I feel less than stellar about it all. Reminding myself there are moments people weren't there for, context they will never have on why you do the things you do, or say altogether. I suppose I am still a little caught up on motherhood right now, my insecurities and my thoughts on the topic. Having a partner who grew up in a house hold with two parents, who desired a family and grew up vastly different than me has me wondering how we might parent together. If we ever do. My mother and I can comfortably joke that she never intended to have me, regardless she loved me intensely and well. I enjoy understanding that being my mom helped her grow as a person. I have a biological father that I have never met. As well as witnessing a beautiful new culture of motherhood come up around me that I feel so desperately disconnected from. Nothing written is intended to sound hateful or critical of mothers. Their lives or their choices, rather a reflection of my own uneasiness, uncertainty and insecurity. Thank you for your understanding, MJ This is potential awkward because I could be writing to no one. I suppose, for the sake of this narrative, we should all assume that I am in fact writing to someone. To... whoever you are, I would like to begin this off with that my computer froze and I was cursed with the spinning beach ball of death on my macbook screen. I was able to screen shot some of what I already wrote, but some of it lost. Save your work as you go, kids. Speaking of which, I have never wanted to be a mother at the expense of my self love. I have seen it, felt it, and experienced it through others. Above all else, I dread it. I suppose it is only natural, I’m young...25, and selfishly think my body is probably at its prime. Yet, watching my friends have children (Declan), planning their future children (Josh and Kristina), and seeing how Jon reacts to it all... motherhood is on the brain. As someone who comes from a line of strong mothers, that line which my magic comes from, you would think I’d feel a little more destined to be a parent. Well, it’s not that I am don’t... its’s complicated. It’s a strange time, and by strange I mean totally normal for my age. It’s not coincidence I am writing so prolifically as I am, my life it changing and how I practice my craft is changing. If I am really writing to my future children, or even as Ashley pointed out to me today (the day she also got her first tattoo) maybe my friends children will read this and find it helpful. In any way. My career is changing, I realized last week upon holding Declan for the first time in his short 4 month life and realized mine will go on regardless of what I do. So I might as well do something important with it. My career at the moment, is in retail. I just completed my 5th christmas consecutively and my 6th christmas total in customer service. Currently, I am taking a 10 day PTO period to figure my life out. My boss, unfortunately caught herself in the middle of my December melt down and told me to take time to work on my photography and writing. Take time to reset myself, and make a plan, which I unimaginably grateful and absolutely doing. I see it daily there. Mothers five months, five years and five decades after giving birth who just hate themselves. “Never have children they say,” usually followed by appraising me and adding “You don’t, clearly.” Side note, I would never have to work again if I had a dollar for every time a women commented on my tiny frame. I am tempted to lie and say I have a baby, but I know the comments aren't about me... not really. Over the years, you collect knowledge on motherhood. It happens when you work in intimates. I know I sound like mom when I rattle off points about pregnancy, nursing or schooling. Much of the time I am met with comments about one day that I will “have kids,” or be married. You can understand my shock when a client said to me about a month ago, “Are you married? Any children?” suddenly, I wasn't 20 years old and only seeing life up to my 21st birthday. “No, haha” breaking the moment and guiding her to the register. I suppose it can be misleading, my knowledge plus the red and silver ring adorned on my left ring finger. You see, I have done a lot of growing up at my current job. My job and my clients, are my life. I suppose that is why it is so hard to imagine leaving, or to say goodbye. Recently when I sat amongst friends chatting til’ after midnight, after 2 glasses of whisky and said, “You know, sadly I am that women who doesn't want a baby because I don’t want to hate myself or my body,” it’s honest and I am not ashamed at the sad truth of it. Dominica indelicately provides, “You're body will go to shit anyway.” I won't lie, it kinda helped. So I added, a thought I have never shared until then and now, “I know I will be a mom, I have always known,” I paused “and maybe thats why I am so passive about it.” Regardless, call it baby fever, call it changing my mind but I call it evolving. I still hate the idea of being pregnant, and when I tell people I don't want to have babies I am being more literal than they seem to realize. I used to think my life will end if I have kids, but I think... I hate the idea of not showing them I did something important with my life. So I tell Jon I have no interest in wearing athleisure, wearing leggings as pants to brunch and pretending I know anything about originality when I have forgotten what being a child feels like. I refuse to be apathetic, impossibly ignorant in regards to other people. I refuse to not have tattoos, my convertible, a sense of humor or honesty amongst my kids. I refuse to get dressed for anyone who isn't me. I told Jon that I clearly want to be exactly like my own mom. Who dressed how she wanted to dressed, drove the cars she wanted to drive and spoke to me like a human being and not like a child. Who understood that being a mother is the most unselfish thing in the world, so some days- for the sake of your sanity- you need to pick yourself. So, whether I am writing to my own kids, or my friends kids. I hope I am a good mother to you. I have had so many women in my life stand in as mothers is various ways and contributed to my life in remarkable ways. I hope I am the crazy mother or motherly aunt, who practices witchcraft and you come to for advice, or favors. I hope I am good to you. As for my mom, if I can be half the women and mother you are... than I guess I did a good job. Prompt: What do you miss most about being younger?
I miss missing summer. I don't miss, consequently, hating the school year to extreme circumstances but I miss the vacancy summer left in my heart. I long for a time when I did more with it. That which left me with a feeling stronger than longing can accurately describe. “I miss summer,” I say for the first time in years. This was on the previous Halloween, I was sitting in Ashley’s house and determined not to let her breakup that morning ruin the best day of the year. Especially when it was warm, sunny, and gorgeous outside... but thats besides the point. “aaand...I normally don't, yet this year I do,” I say dragging out the ‘a’ as if giving myself more time to finish that sentence will bring me any faster to an answer. That yearning starts to come back. Sad like, in a way you miss a place but only in a certain time. In a way that memories fill your heart but seem to only make you sadly nostalgic. In a way, it feels like that. “I know,” she shouts from her room, “I haven't missed summer in years, but I miss the lake.” Its comforting that I am not alone in my summer less adulthood. Yet, it dawns on me, this year I did something different. I went outside. I know how this sounds now so bare with me. Leaving the camp, working full time... I found it harder to find things to do that are not indoors on my days off. Now, having a close female friend again has brought someone into my life who will drag my out of the house to new activities. Like hiking by, and swimming in, an open lake. The rights of passage of summer that seem to have missed me as a kid but not anymore. Now we drive with the top down, through the woods with First Aid Kit playing to a rhythm that'll inspire you to run away into the trees arms wide open. I yearn to capture these moments, forever. Honesty, I miss all that the most. Even my life 7 months ago I miss more than my life 7 years ago. “Anyone who doesn't like being an adult doesn't know how to do it properly!” I exclaim while my friends, four of us, piled in the rain into my friends new mom and gas friendly, SUV. This was only a few weeks ago. We decided we wanted to buy cookies, so we left the party we were at, ransacked a grocery store for the right ones and went home to eat it. That night we simply lived out every childhood fantasy we had, with the privilege of adulthood. Y’know, money and transportation. I, as you read in Day 7 of 286, was not a super happy child. I love my life now in my twenties as stressful as it is can be because I did not imagine my life in my twenties. I didn't think I would let myself live this long. Being younger? Well, I will never be as young as I am right now. Prompt: Do you choose a mantra for the new year? What is it?
I don't, usually. The one thing I routinely tell myself, year after year, is that you never know who will come back into your life. As a girl who dates a boy she has plans to buy a house with, a man who sat next to her for one semester in high school. I can say, yeah it’s true. I mean don't let me tell you about life or fate. Yet since I kept your attention this long so you might as well keep reading. The people you have in your life are the ones meant to be there and if they leave- for any reason- well, then that was meant to be too. Maybe its because of the unpopular idea that you aren't supposed to be in their life. It happens the way its supposed to. It does not always happen quickly, you may not know why or get your answer soon, but you do... eventually. I don’t know my biological father, and no, we have never met to answer the question everyone asks first. I won't get into those details, but with time- depending on my age- I came to terms with it in different ways. As a child, I always talked about it. The truth of my circumstances at the tip of my tongue because I could not cope with it. I spoke to my friends, to teachers, to counselors, to anyone who would listen and somehow magically heal the pain that my life was so different than my friends. Quick note, most of my friends had divorced parents and lived with step parents they didn't even like. I realize now, as an adult, to choose my life over anyone else's. I got older though and through poetry in high school, and later some much needed therapy around 18 I began to move on. Fast forward to around 23 when I found myself siting at my best friends college graduation. Next to her father, who might I add, had at this point known me for 11 years. The man with a family who fed me on more days and nights than my own family. The same man who lectured me for running away from home, routinely asked about my plans as an artist, and who said when I asked him “I’m your favorite right? Out of all of Jessica’s friends?” He paused, thoughtfully, and responded “Thats no contest, you're like another daughter to me.” The shock has not fully set in from the sincerity of that statement, not even nearly two years later. Now, sitting here. writing to anyone who will read. Please know that people are sometimes removed from our lives by the universe because they are simply not meant for our journey. At times, we are not meant for theirs. One of the most meaningful relationships I have now is with an old coworker I had while I was waitressing. Terribly, terribly, waitressing. She was a hostess who listened to my worries, calmed my nerves and made me feel a bit more normal in an environment that made me feel objectified and ostracized. We didn’t talk too much and parted ways when I left the job to move back to Maryland. Cut to today, she has without fail read every single blog I have ever written and with this post, now 21 and counting. Jacqlyn, is one of the kindest souls I have ever met. A great mother, and certainly a great friend to her daughter who I have claimed a kindred spirit of mine is a soul I never imagined coming back into my life. A fellow sister, I don't have one of those either... not biologically at least, of the moon. A fellow women I am honored to have and serve as inspiration to me. Thanks, J. So, with all of that learned, what am I telling myself this year? Well, I will continue to believe at my core that those who are meant for you will find you. Those who will fill the gaps the universe left painfully for you to find, are out there. However, to all the fathers and friends and to anyone else who has found themselves in my life and on my journey. I want to say thank you, and its time for me to find myself, and be just that. Prompts: Is their any hurt or pain lingering in your heart right now?
I have been carefully instructed by during my most recent and first bone reading* to not make any major decisions with my heart. It is in my best interests to let my head take the wheel right now. Which is easier said than done when you brain battles anxiety and depression. Said method of reading is new to me, however I required some answers that would be less sassy and more specific than tarot. That aside, I also did a bitchin job pulling tarot cards too that night, maybe this is my year? As my Gina* said, after I told her I would like to grow my intuition, “you need to trust it, it’s already there.” Well, she’s right. True to form though, I ask questions I already know the answers to. After the first glass of Jamison after that night of gossip, witchcraft and bonding as discussed in days 4/5. I regaled my friends with how I related as a child to comic books and superhero shows, its so silly but as I told them I am going to tell you, bare with me. I assume it was while watching Justice League when I watched Superman tell an enemy that is was almost a relief to be fighting someone so strong. He goes on to say he always holds back, has to be careful, and mindful of those around him. I can relate, not to the superman part but the holding back. Growing up I watched superhero shows avidly to relate to characters than seemed to go through what I was too. Please know I lived a house filled with love and being spoiled rotten, but I was depressed. It wasn't my families fault that my childhood was blanketed with strong intuition, I did not have the upbringing to cope with that. My intuition came from empathy, I can feel the emotions of those around me and by extension their thoughts. It made me such a fucking miserable child. So cut to a few years ago, when I began having dreams of people who are no longer with us. I always wanted a new gift and I wished for it so. many. times. Sometimes the universe hears us and laughs. Is this normal, to have your intuition change? I shouldn't be surprised I guess a girl who used to write spells in math class, but still! I decided to meditate on it, if I could channel in my sleep than I was determined to do so while I was awake. This is what I wanted right, a new chance? So, cut to me getting what I wanted and receiving messages I wasn't sure how deliver. Don’t worry, I did, eventually. In my usual fashion, I shut the box again. I locked it this time too, 25 years of this and I keep locking the box that I should just shatter already. It plagues me at work, I become anxious and sidetracked. I get upset and emotional. I am tired because I am not working on the instincts I can't control. Practice makes perfect, kids. Currently, we are in recovery for the depressive spell that befell us in December. My intuition went into overdrive and I didn't just fall off the wagon, it ran me over. Some emotionally charge decisions were made and now it is time to recover, meditate again. Which hasn't happened, not in almost two years since... I don't want to say “incident,” but yeah. Lingering is a good word for what has been in my heart for nearly the 25 years I have been alive. It’s time to start letting go. Bone reading: “Bone Reading is a form of divination that uses animal bones, nuts, shells, and curios such as dice or beads...collectively known as "bones" ...to divine information.” https://www.carolinaconjure.com/bone-reading.html My Gina: You’ll notice I didn't say “friend,” to clarify this is a plutonic friendship. A very valued spiritual friendship. I commonly call her “my” to emphasize how important she is to me. Prompt: What creative projects do you want to start, or make progress on, this year? and What are your goals this year?
I can make this short and sweet. The urge to create my own life through art and sheer determination is stronger than my fear to fail. No longer do I want to lead a life through hobbies and interests. I want a life, and I have earned a chance to live it. How did I earn it? Through my own system, as a graduate of the course on self love. Its over, being known for the side hustles and the things you love but don't make money for. This year I will start a business, and I will promote my own talents because I am good at it. The comfort zone is a cozy place, but it becomes dull colorless as nothing ever grows there. Inspiration has struck hard since my album Declan at 4 Months went up this week and I am thinking of getting into new born and family photography. People will always have babies, which is a joy to capture and an honor to be apart of. A timeless feeling knowing that you've captured a moment of parenthood. A moment that will be lost to the whole history of mankind, but in the same time you captured it for the future. For when others hold those photographs; either kids, grandkids, great grandkids they will speak the names of those in them. We will live forever. Now, yeah immortality is a great goal but I ultimately want to leave an impact for those I love. Through a skill that leaves me greatly fulfilled. Creating a good life for myself, and my boyfriend. Maybe even our family, if we have kids. Kelly, if you are reading this stop getting so excited. I am not pregnant.The first step is to stop wishing for things, and start doing. I want to make progress on my photography through education, through practice and promotion. I want it for myself. Thats the goal. Prompt(s): How did god bless you in 2018? and
What are the top 3 things you want to see happen, or to change, in 2019? Why those things? God, ha. I struggle with the idea that the divine is a single, male figure or even a single, feminine figure. I am equal opportunity disagree-ist. You’ll notice I did not post yesterday, I spent day three taking the opportunity to catch up on three albums worth of photo editing, followed by taking a hour to walk around target with an old friend from high school. After all that I went to Dominica’s (a lovely friend mentioned in my other blog) and to quote myself leaving the house when my mom asked where I was going, it was for “new moon stuff.” Well, it was. As well as new year stuff. This is where I heard the phrase that really, for the first time summed up my feelings on my spirituality. “There is no he, there is no she, there is just they and they are everywhere!” said in unison, in excitement, in a moment with the divine clearly present in both of Dominica and Gina’s expressions. We all take a drink of our whisky, neatly provided by D for the few us left after the ritual. This part of the evening began around 9:30 pm or so when people began to disperse. G and I proclaimed, while nestled on the couch together in a very cozy but haunted sitting room, that we just didn't want to go home yet. D said, “perfect” and got out the Jamison. So that how you find three witches who don't find themselves hanging out enough, gossiping about people, the past and witchcraft around midnight on a friday. Where I realized that there is no he or she, there is just the all. It is everywhere, and it speaks to us through the wind, through out ancestors, through the people who come in and out of our lives. It never appealed to me much, the idea of a god giving, or blessing you with something. It feels like the work you did just becomes invalidated. So no, I don't think god blessed me last year and before you have a conniption, listen. My path has taken me through so many steps, milestones, and moments that only makes sense with time. The journey at those times, was sometimes horrible but sometimes wonderful. So I honor where my journey has come to up to this point, I honor the path which sometimes is straight and at times a weaving labyrinth. I honor doing cleansing and divination work on new and full moons to invite new, good intention into my life. I intend to work promote my work; photography, writing, and otherwise. I intend to do good work with it, and hope to see those two things happen for me, for the better. However, I cannot wish for change if I do not physically make it happen. I know this is the year for a career change, I know it is time. I honor that 2018 was comfy, warm and everything that I needed up to now. A year that felt as good as it is to go home again, a year of familiarity. I honor that 2019 will be none of those things, that it will be different, difficult with desperate decision making. Well, I’m familiar with that too. Prompt: What were the highlights/ most important events of 2018?
I don’t know? Scratch that, I immediately equated “highlights/most important events” to success and realized that is not too fair to myself. So let’s start over. Not much is remembered of January of last year because my football team won the Super Bowl in February and I am pretty sure I blacked out from excitement. The parade in Philly didn't hurt either when I watched a grown women do a full blown pole routine on a street light in broad daylight. Sports, amiright? Moving on, all of late winter and early spring was spent in preparation for my mom and I’s trip to Wyoming. Preparation meaning preparing my wardrobe, in accordance with Ellen Degeneres who said “we dress for who we want to be on vacation.” Go watch her newest stand up on Netflix IMMEDIATELY. As a loyal subscriber to that philosophy you should know I am already thinking about my outfits for my trip to Arizona in August, which is funny since Im traveling much sooner in April and really haven't thought about that. It’s only January, have I mentioned it is still January. Priorities? Priorities. That trip was amazing, and written about on my other blog Millennials, Magic and Muggles titled Wildflowers. If you read that one then you know about the discussion we had about “spiritual DJ’s.” You'd be happy to know it came up again recently when my mother was driving us around town on New Years Day when a Tom Petty song came on, which was followed by the Johnny Cash cover. Now this may not seem weird to you, but my mom has upwards of thousands of songs in her then shuffled musical library. So the odds were pretty slim of this happening. We like to, still, think Tom Petty is our spiritual DJ, in case you were wondering. Anyway, Wyoming. I toured, traveled and trotted through 3 states, 2 national parks on one amazing trip. Furthering my goal of traveling to every state, and setting a new goal of photographing every national park. With 20 states and three parks down, I still have a ways to go. Yet speaking your dreams into existence makes them goals, which makes them real. Real scary, but real. It’s scary, beautiful, but scary to watch your friends get married as well. Which I did, three times last year. Which also led to one of the most heart felt conversations I have ever had with a friend, but that is an another conversation for another blog. I’ve grown closer and invited more women in my life this year. Never has “making friends” been a skill to add to my resume, but this year I certainly tried. I asked the universe for more witches, joked about needing a “gay best friend” and man oh man, did I receive. By the barrel, by the bushel, by the... broom? I have been working on expanding my circle and inviting people in. Which, y’know, I have been accused of not doing too well. With all of that said, I have to add that within said circle we also had death. Now, don’t panic this was a person whom I had no real personal relate ship with. However, many close friends of mine did and her passing reverberated through everyone. I understood for the first time why history is described as “before/after death,” because everything now is with her, and without her. Before and after her. I have decided that what I want above all else is more important that being comfortable in the dust that has settled around my life. Goals must be set, and the fear of failure must not keep me from living my life. I have decided to allow myself to be humble, yet proud of my work. I have decided that 2018 was indeed, memorable, but it deserves to be topped. Can it be done? Pull up a chair and find out. Prompt: What are you happiest about leaving behind in 2018
Key word, happiest. Suddenly, it seems easier to describe how happy I would like to be in 2019, versus what to be happy about leaving behind. It’s that chase, y’know? Towards that certain something and maybe you don’t have it yet, so we chase it. I have grown comfortable in a routine that is safe, a routine that comforts me and lulls me to sleep at night. The dreams have changed though, becoming restless 3ams where I cannot dream at all but in ways that only scare me. Scenes where my friends are hurt, cannot see and surround me in my woe. I wonder, if it is me who cannot discern between what is and what shouldn't be. Pardon me, being a little depressed makes me dramatic and poetic. For a being who embraces the changing of the seasons, who quietly embraces the transition between life and death, I haaate change. It hurts, it drains me of my optimism and my sense of certainty. I admire nature for her sense of elegance when she moves on from a season, or a rainy day. For I am not so sure I can do the same. However, we keep moving forward. Instead of hoping for a future that delivers happiness, lets search for it in a moment. A silver lining, a connection, a reason to simply be- present in this moment and know we deserve to feel eternal joy about it. Guilt, I am happiest about leaving behind the guilt I feel for knowing how other feel and think, then choosing myself regardless. I am a witch, an empath, an intuitive person who does not choose herself enough over the loyalty she feels for other people. None of it matters if I do not have loyalty to myself. I will not feel guilty for that. Prompt: What are you most looking forward to in 2019?
I suppose I am not feeling anything unusual. No one is a stranger to change, as strange as it is feel uneasy about a situation you knew would happen. I am making this as clear as I can, so no one play the tiny violin to melancholy tune of Poor Millennial. There is nothing unusual about it, so why do I feel this way? It’s like butterflies in my veins - floating to the surface and afraid to fly away. My stomach is sick with their absence but my heart can’t wait to fly. Maybe it took two months to fall into my “quarter life crisis*” but we’re in the New Year and I don’t have a spell for answers I already have, to questions I need to stop asking and act upon already. When I practice divination work I ask the same questions repeatedly. I suppose it’s a test to see if the universe is really listening to me, it is endlessly entertaining. Especially when a friend does a tarot reading* for you and draws a card so severe in it’s intent that I took a heavy shot of Jamison Black Barrel to wash the moment down. In case you were wondering, the card I received was the Ten of Swords - the artwork depicts a knight with said swords in his back. I swear tarot readings are fun, somewhat. Sometimes, I forget that I am 25 now. Today I donated my childhood art desk to Goodwill and I felt fine until it was amongst a pile of memories belonging to other people. My mother did so right by me growing up, I cannot even begin to tell you. I am sure I was about 10 years old, I received literally a professional artists desk, with a desktop that lifts to draw at multiple angles. It was just the greatest thing I ever owned. However, it collected dust, it collected clothes but it never collected drawings anymore since I have moved on from that medium; it was time. Now I know what you're going to say, it’s a very first world problem to have an emotional and spiritual connection with a desk. I am so grateful for the experiences I have had in my life and for the things my family, especially my mother, has been able to afford me. I say family too since I grew up with my mother, grandparents and aunt under one roof. Somehow not owning the desk anymore feels like a betrayal. As we carried the desk out of the condo, Jon asked me, “How long have you owned this, anyway?” I laughed because I wanted to say 11 or 12 years. In reality, it’s been- “15 years!” And I am shocked, when did I go from being in middle school, drawing fairies and watching Tyra to carrying said desk down two flights of stairs with a man I am pretty sure is my soul mate. In my head I am saying this quickly, anxiously and curiously. So where am I going with this? I got coffee a few days ago with a friend who is the first amongst our group to have a baby. I am vocal in my dislike of other people’s children as well as my indifference in having any. And yet, after having coffee with her and her four month old son, literally nothing has changed. Except this marked the occasion where I held him for the first time; no lie, I put it off for four months and yeah, he didn't explode so I guess I have that going for me. Oh man, and I just know I am going to be spending the next 30+ years saying how big he's getting, how incredible it is to watch him grow and how I would get brunch with his parents after a night of nearly dying of alcohol poisoning. Roaring 20’s am I right? You hold this child, and you realize I am either going to make my life happen, or I am not because life goes on. That is what I am looking forward to most, my life, my career, and my goals. I hate change and I hate how it makes me feel. I hate the journey because like a face mask, that I am currently wearing from Lush*, it draws out the impurities, the shit you don't need but to let go of. I am looking forward to this moment, one year from now. I am uncertain but I am here. Quarter Life Crisis: The act of panicking as you enter your mid-twenties, versus in your 40’s- your actual “mid-life” Tarot Card Reading: Like playing cards, tarot decks have four suits. They have a long history in Europe, and are commonly used today as a tool for divination. Where you may use to read a situation, a person, or a future event. Lush: A store that I adore and shop at constantly. They create vegetarian, vegan, and 100% cruelty free bath products. They are, as I am, committed to leaving this planet better than |
New Year,
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